Ooohhhh!!!

and I got my financial aid back! :D

Now I just have to keep my grades up for next semester O_O

*shudder*
There is so much I'm doing wrong, here.

Thanks and thinspo

Firstly I want to thank Mango, What if summer..., Lardy Laur and Libbybee for their support on my last post.

I don't know what to say, really...

I'm at my boyfriend's mother's house petsitting while they're visiting family

She's got an exercise bike, and I spent about an hour working out yesterday. Did that for 45 minutes, some sit-ups, some small weight exercises and lots of stretching.

The bike told me I burned over 1,200 calories in that 45 minutes, but I kind of doubt it. It didn't feel like enough work to negate the whole day. I figure I at least got rid of the cookies and milk, though. So that's something, right? It might have been that the gear dial thing is broken, maybe it thought I was working way harder than I was.

:/ I wonder how many calories you burn dangling string in front of a cat for 20 minutes? lol - it at least made my arm tired.

Or walking a dog. Probably more than the string thing.

I don't think feeding the fish did much for me :P

Anyways. Enough with this nonsense.

Thinspo Time.

There's an image in this video at 1:51, of a girl on a trampoline. Soooo skinny, I was like...whoa
So keep an eye out for her, I want that pic!

I need guidance.

I'm a wannarexic. I must be. I don't really like that word, except when I do.
Thing is, I hate my body and I hate what I eat, but I still eat like this and I still neglect my body...so...what does that make me but a wannarexic?

People with eating disorders tend to be sensitive, motivated people.
I may be sensitive, but I'm not motivated by any regard. Sometimes I go through phases of motivation in certain areas of my life, like this recent school-oriented tendency of mine, but despite this occasional motivation I'm nothing but a wannabe.

My ambitions are lost. I can't make myself do this, and maybe all it takes is a little more free time but I don't have it. The holidays are more or less here. What do I do?

It might end up that I simply won't have a Thanksgiving.

Personal reasons for that. Not ED related. Not that I even have an ED, just some sort of self image issue based on my being... what exactly... lazy, fat, emotionally abused and being with someone who doesn't make me his ideal?

Yeah, all that sucks but it's not in and of itself a mental disorder. I know I have at least a few dysfunctions.

I don't know what I'm thinking or what I'm doing anymore.

I've still only been to the gym once. I've eaten so much junk today.

There's this welches stuff sitting in a cup next to me. It's got more calories than whole milk and it's sooo sweet it makes me a little sick, but I'm still drinking it. There's other ways of getting vitamin C... There's no reason that I would need it.

I don't know how to explain this behavior and it would seem like to stop it I would just have to stop everything, and I can't afford to do that right now. Calories can't be my focus, I just don't have the mental energy for this.

My weight loss focus has to be self motivated, it's not just in my head. That means I don't have an eating disorder.

So why the hell do I have a proana blog?

Maybe I should just stop it, because I do it to keep myself motivated and organize my thoughts. and isn't that wrong? Isn't that something I should be organized against? Aren't I just being exactly what every real ana girl hates?

I hate myself too.

I don't deserve you guys and I don't know what to do with myself.

Do they have a name for this?

I'm a psychology major, maybe I should make one.

Or am I just looking for validation?

I need guidance.

Tell me what a worthless ass I'm being.
Tell me I should take my fatass off the web and stop being what I hate.

Tell me to just stop being a whiney little attention whore, because that's all I've ever been.

Just because I was born to be ugly, with a complete lack of motivation. I'm retarded or something. I have no sense of lucidity in my surroundings, nothing ever feels real and I can never seem to grasp anything firmly. I follow a path absent mindedly until it ends, then I get lost.

Does that even make sense?

I need so much structure in my life to keep myself grounded. I guess right now I'm more or less running on empty with my schoolwork.

Empty.

I don't know exactly what do do from here.

I guess I dump the rest of this nasty juice and try to stay away from the kitchen.

At least that's five minutes I can avoid things I really don't need.

Admittedly some of my neglect can be attributed to a pregnancy scare, but there was no real reason to suspect I might be pregnant.

...Yeah. I'm going offline for the night. love you girls, I really do. I'm sorry I'm such a failure.

11 november sleepy brain.

Hello Pretty Ones.
Sorry I didn't update :(
awesome video, embedding disabled
This video is lovely.
I love thinspo with tATu... I love tATu in general. All their songs are perfect, the girls are perfect, and the beat is always there.


When I take a nap in school (I commute...a couple hours between classes now and again) I put tatu in my headphones. Their songs keep me in the moment. Keep distractions at bay.

I've been pretty distracted this semester. 19 credits, which is a lot, especially considering how hard all my classes are. Taking fewer next semester, but it's fairly important I do somewhat well this time around too.

Really planning on working on that weight I put on.
but I need to focus on my grades
I can't afford to lose everything now.
Literally.

three exams this week, and I don't know what I'm doing
two next week.
and a paper.
D:
I'm really looking forward to a break

I need to sleep...
My thoughts are like this entry.
segmented and short.
empty.

Thinspo isn't working on me lately.
I'm too unmotivated.
Sometimes it works a little.
Makes me want to go to the gym.
but the gym isn't happening any time soon.
I went...once.
Once. All semester.

I have worked out some at home, though.
Jumping jacks are fantastic, aren't they?
200 Really get you going.

You know what does work for me though?
Cute clothes. Looking good in cute clothes.
I really need new clothes...
Seriously
:(

I'm poor. No luck with the job search.

I'm not commenting enough.
I want a box on my profile that counts comments I write, to shame me into commenting more.

I hope to blog more during Fall Recess. It's short, though.

I give up on thinking for now.

I know, it's been forever

It's been over a month since I've blogged. I'm really surprised, Google analytics tells me my visitors went up in the time I was gone. I wonder why?

I'm sorry it's been so long. I never intended to go a whole month, I didn't think I would. I still feel like I don't have a right to be blogging.

Considering how much I've been eating, I haven't gained much in the past few monthes. Six pounds really isn't a lot. I mean...it's still too much. My boyfriend says he can't notice. But my sides are flabby, my belly is bigger, and my thighs fill my pants too much and rub together when I walk, and it all just makes me feel sooo untouchably repulsive. I really don't deserve 111 followers. You girls are so far above me.

Plus I'm breaking out like crazy and I'm overtired...I just feel miserable.

I stand by my decision to stop counting. Sometimes I still do, but only for meals that seem too big. I more or less know what's safe to eat. I'm not fooled by the salad myth, or granola...I don't overlook dressings. I tried to give up artificial sweeteners. I think that experiment is about over, because I'm waaay oversugarred, and who needs an extra 300 calories in their day?? It's so stupid and awful.

I went away for the weekend and actually ended up gaining a little more. Which is insane, isn't it? I guess that's what happens when you spend a total of 12 hours in a car and two days in meetings or a hotel room. It's my own damn fault though. All that vegan rabbit-food, and I can't get off the flipping mini muffins.

And another confession... I've been saying I need to get to the gym for months now, haven't I? I actually just went yesterday. I've tried getting more exercise at home, exercise is probably the reason I've only gained six pounds...but WOW that day at the gym felt amazing. Holy yeah. I'm not nearly as sore today as I thought I would be either. but yeah, the ellipticals at the gym at my university have cable on them. I watched an entire episode of something engrossing on showtime.

I'm upset though, because I really wanted to be 120 at Halloween.... not 136. 120 wasn't a lofty goal from where I was. Not at all. 16 pounds in a little over 2 days, though? :/ no way in hell.

Anyways, girls...

For now, this little bit of motivation will have to do. Happy Halloween!

My boyfriend's mother has a cardboard catnip scratching box thing... It's in the basement, that's where I am.
At the bottom of that cardboard thing is catnip.
Somehow the cat got the top layer of cardboard off, and is very affectionate at the moment.

lol

Purring up a storm.

No good weight news, except that I'm feeling energetic.
I've returned to counting calories, but less precisely.
I don't feel like going back to the daily plate yet.

I've got some good news about school - I'm not behind on anything! At least not deadline-wise. I don't think I've completely missed any assignments. I'm up for a tough couple weeks, big tests - but I expect I'll actually study for them. I feel ... hopeful. Like I'm not academically worthless.

I do have a rough couple weeks of tests and assignments coming up, though... So I'm going to have to work hard to stop myself from 'self-handicapping' (that was the subject of the last lecture I walked in late to this week. It was like they were talking about me).

I keep considering seeing a counselor. I'm petrified of talking to TAs and professors and that's probably not such a good thing. Actually, you've gotta make an appointment over the phone and that scares me too.

Okay. I've gotta get offline, now. I'll try to make a thinspo or exercise-video post soon.

Youtube cardio and update.

Oooh, thanks to you girls who commented on my last post. natxx and angel of ana, you girls make me blush ^_^

I've been failing, though. Yeah yeah, like that's news. I haven't been to the gym. I've gained a couple pounds. I don't have a 25.5 inch waist. I don't think it's noticeable to anyone but me. Maybe it is. I don't know.

Ooh, story. I drank a two liter of diet 7up a couple days ago. I no longer wonder what laxatives feel like. It wasn't entirely bad, but a little

I've been getting like three hours of sleep a night because I simply don't sleep at night and my days are occupied with school, and my boyfriend, who doesn't like to let me nap because he's convinced that I'll sleep at night if I'm tired enough, but it just doesn't work that way.

My legs are hairy and I can't shave because my skin is irritated. I'm beginning to break out again after a fairly decent length of time of clearer-than-typical skin. So yeah... Uglier than usual.

No news on the job front. Haven't really been trying honestly. I have an excuse now, though. School is time consuming. I'm determined to do well this semester. There's only one class I'm truly concerned about. Science stuff, and I think there are online assignments I'm not doing o_0

I realized there's only 23 graded assignments in all my classes according to the syllabi, so I'm making a checklist with dates and what not. That includes tests and exams and papers. If I so much as turn these assignments in and show up, then I'm almost certainly not going to fail anything this semester. Hell, I might even open the books on my own.

And I'm starting to do interesting things with my hair for school. I've realized that braiding my hair distracts me from the anxiety I feel talking to people, even if it makes me seem like a completely uninvolved narcissist when I'm touching my really-long hair in front of people who are trying to talk to me. Oh well. I don't care what most of them think...

My boyfriend has been aggressive and kind of jerky lately. He's been picking fights. He admits he's been having thoughts about wanting to break up with me, and I think the fights are pushing me away. I don't think we're going to break up. I'd prefer to believe that we're a strong couple who love eachother endlessly and aren't going to be ripped apart for anything. I know that's conceited.. I suppose I'm depending on the fact that he knows I need him.

He says he thinks I'm brainwashing him in the wrong direction; that I'm pointing out beautiful girls and asking him why he's even with me... So now I have to stop telling him he's good-looking so much and tell him I am.

He should know that he's lucky to have me, goddamnit.

He wants us to go to couples counseling. Apparently my school offers it for free to students.
I'm afraid to go though, I'm afraid everyone is going to be against me. I said I'd rather seek counseling alone. And I should - because my fears and problems really do get in the way of my academic success. I can't focus, I can't talk to teachers or TAs or my fellow students... People have talked to me thinking I'm a normal human being before. I freeze and give minimal responses and avoid looking directly at them. That's not healthy. Plus, it's hard to find an entry level job when you're afraid to talk to people.

He's been claiming to be depressed. I told him all the more reason he should seek counseling too. I don't think he's depressed. He decided this after a longer than usual period feeling sad. It's probably stress. Money is a problem for both of us.

My blogs are so lacking in Ana-content lately. I like posting things that you girls can use.



:D This will do for now. She's kind of funny. I just found this - it looks fun. I think I want to do this now...

Yay! I posted something. She's total thinspo, too.

I think I'm going to laugh doing this.

Okay...

Sorry I haven't been writing or commenting. There's a couple reasons.

I've been unsuccessful at everything.
I've got school.
I switched to linux, and now I only use one browser. On windows I have chrome and it was part of my routine to open both firefox and chrome to do both ana and real world things. Now I have to switch and it's a pain in the butt. lol. That's my weakest excuse. Especially since I think it can be remedied.

Anyways. More water. Too tired to pace. Probably why I'm gaining I *want* to sleep :\ I can't... not yet.

Love you girls. I'll comment eventually. I promise.