I really want to thank the girls who commented on my last blog. Things are still chaotic. I have one paper and the make-up test out of the way. Neither of them are worth being particularly confident about.

This week has been chaotic. My mother is worse than usual. My dad said...he wants to talk about her...which can't be good. I don't know what it means, I'm hoping that conversation will just slip through the cracks of the everyday.

My mother is INSANE though. She does things just to upset me. That's not kidding. She's emotionally sadistic. She does and says things to make me cry, then responds to everything I say with this ridiculously condescending, cold, arrogant tone. The kind of tone that's so uncaring and full of shit that makes you want to punch someone in the face. Do you know what I mean? I can't really get into detail...

I went out with my beau, today, though. He's my escape. Even though we had a big fight just yesterday. Something he said about my paper, which was mean. I'm never letting him read a paper for my philosophy class again. My paper WAS kind of lame, but he made me feel more like an idiot than an underachiever. So I reacted a little...tugged a news paper away from him. That got HIM in a huff. So we went to the bus together..and we sat down.

He says: "Why are you sitting next to me?"

That was REALLY cold and mean. So I went to the back and cried the entire ride. When it came time to get off the bus, I was a wreck. I wanted to go home, but I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go with him, either, but I did anyways. We made up. He says he didn't mean it like that. I felt so abused, though. I wasn't even really upset about the paper, but the thing on the bus was just so wrong. He got nicer later...not really nice, he was still arguing with me. He just doesn't know when to let something go. He's oblivious. So the last couple days, I've just been sobbing and upset between my mother and my father and my beau.

It's probably my own fault that that's all I have.

If I had friends that took up some of my time, I think my beau would appreciate me more. But I really can't have friends. I can't handle social responsibility. Besides, I have no mode of transportation except my mother and I get lost taking the bus without my beau. So, I really couldn't have friends anyway.

Today would have been a really nice day calorie wise...but I ate a cookie. A GIANT cookie. A huge square piece of one of those cookie-brownie monsters, you know what I mean? I counted it as like a thousand calories. I'm hoping it's a big overestimation, because I didn't eat the whole thing. That was really weak. What's more, it was my idea. That was REALLY weak. -_- I'm quite disappointed in myself. It made me sick to my stomach. Which just means I won't eat anything else today, which is good.

Someone gave me a tomato today. Was pretty random. But I my beau and I ate it raw, like an apple, but sloppier. and it was really refreshing and yummy. slurp slurp. a tomato is apparently like 25 calories, too. I recommend. I don't recommend the delicious giant cookie-brownie evil thing.

Anyways, to top of this awful week, I have to do a paper that was due last week by Monday, and I'm sick, and probably getting my beau sick. Because I need to be touching him, constantly. If he's in the room, I have to be touching him, or my head will explode. I hate being sick. I guess that's normal. It started off as a sore throat, and evolved into stuffy sinuses and a runny nose, exacerbated by crying.

Except for the cookie incident, my eating is back to normal. It must have been PMS. That's something. Only one more paper left. I need the tax information by May 1st that's a financial aid deadline in NY for TAP. I don't have high hopes. :( I think it can be filed late, but everything is late ENOUGH. My dad is so worthless...my mother is so sadistic.

My boyfriend and my ED are all I have that I can count on. You wouldn't believe how frightening the thought of losing him is. He knows it, too, but I wish he could appreciate me HALF as much as I appreciate him. I REALLY feel like that isn't the case most of the time.

...brb?

I'm under a LOT of stress lately.

I mention this because I feel like I owe you guys an explanation, I've been avoiding my blog. Mostly because I'm failing so badly.

I'll be back...I mean it...It's just that with my dad neglecting my financial aid needs ( YES STILL ), my FAIL, my grades...I missed an exam wednesday. Due to a fight with my mom.

I've been fighting with my mom a lot. She's a nightmare. She HATES me.

Anyways... I haven't written or commented in ages, and I just wanted you to know why.

I'll probably write a few blogs, but I can't dedicate myself to this until some of my stressors have gone away. Probably after exams, which start in a couple weeks. No one but me seems to care about my future...

Worst case scenerio, I guess I get a job and have to take summer classes. Still feels like the end of the world, though.

Anyways, hope you girls are doing better than I am.

Failure...

I've been failing a lot lately. I think it's stress. It must be... There's a lot to be stressed about. My financial aid, my menopausal mother and probably bi-polar father, my grades...and my fat ass.

I've gained two pounds by the way. I'm hoping that's just water weight because I'm expecting my period in a little over a week. I'm just not losing anymore, though. I haven't lost in ages. I know why, too. I haven't had any self control.

I TRY to have control over myself...but I'm such a glutton sometimes. I made this blog to make me feel stronger, to inspire myself. Lately it's just a stark reminder of my failure. I feel like I've been neglecting it. I've gotten very discouraged.

That's why I'm thinking of taking a different approach for now. My boyfriend is back, but while he was gone I was exercising and it made me feel amazing. It always does. I'm thinking of just upping my calorie limit and filling my diet with healthier items and exercising more. If I can. Obviously I won't eat so much when I can't exercise. But I figure if I eat more healthy things I won't binge so much. I ate a thousand calories with my boyfriend today. I'm ashamed to say that. ONE THOUSAND. That's so much! I mean, it was over a fairly long period of time, but seven hours of stuffing my face with cheese curls and cookies and a sandwich made with white bread??! I drank some water, it just made me feel sick. Got in an hour of light exercise tonight, though, when I got home....

I'm glad he's back though. Even if he's bad for me, physically. I could tell he'd missed me too, which made me feel better about the fact that he'd abandoned me this weekend. We snuggled and watched Logan's Run and Hollywood Homicide. Except for the copious amounts of garbage I shoveled down my greedy throat, it was a good night.

I can say, however, that I'm happy that that much food made me sick. It'll teach me a lesson. About what being a worthless cow brings you. . . a bloated nasty midsection.

I have a sensitive stomach, why do I do this to myself?

Just to end this on a more positive note...some kickass thinspo. I need to look at more thinspo.






^seriously kickass chick ^_^

I hope you girls are doing amazingly. I'll be checking up on your blogs tomorrow. Right now, it's four thirty in the morning. (-_-) < Zzzz)