unhappy boyfriend, unhappy me.

98 followers. I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I've been avoiding blogging like the plague... I'm disappointed with my performance.

Though I've been keeping with not counting calories, I haven't gained. I feel like it must be right around the corner. Like I'm going to step on the scale and it's going to tell me I'm five pounds heavier than it should.

I'm embarrassed to blog. I haven't lost weight since May. At least nothing I didn't gain back within a couple days. I'm not really even trying anymore, all I'm doing is complaining - and I guess I still have a pretty good excuse for it, I've got money problems, it's really stressful. My parents don't seem to be on good terms. Things have gotten better since my dad got a job - my money problems aren't exactly solved, but he can get my insurance which helps a lot. A Lot. So things are a little better now, but I'm still eating a lot.

I do seem to have relationship problems. My beau and I fought today - and now I feel like he's doing what he's accused me of doing to him a million times before; pushing me away.

He said we have relationship problems and that we're probably codependent and probably something about me not being able to communicate or something like that. That last bit is too typical from him to be left out.

and he said he wouldn't leave me but admitted to feeling sometimes like we're not supposed to be together. He says he gets mad at me when I'm not around.

This conversation actually came after the fight. He was cranky because he missed the bus and I just kept walking towards him, and what he said was that I shouldn't, but I did. So he was mad at me on the phone the walk there. It was a couple miles. I got a little sunburned. I actually got to him about right when the next bus was coming up, so we got on at the same stop and rode together.

Again, he was cranky - and he alternated between yelling at me in public [he would insist that he wasn't yelling, I still say angry loud talking still counts as yelling], and hugging me because I was crying. I hate crying. I especially hate crying in public. I hate being hugged when I know that he's only going to yell at me again when he lets go.

It was a stupid reason to be mad at me. I walked towards him for a few good reasons.
-I didn't want to be stranded
-Walking home and back to the stop would have taken just as long
-I didn't know where we were going or how we'd be getting there
-I wanted to be with him

and he was yelling at me trying to say I was wrong for walking the bus route to get to him because it was a bad plan "transit-wise."
He also yelled at me for never getting places on my own.
He also yelled at me for relying on him to make transit plans. Which, now that I think about it, I kind of did make my own damn transit plans, didn't I?

Lately he's been complaining in ways that refer to things that are a bit too personal, even for an anonymous blog, but things that make me feel like he wishes he had more sexual experiences.
That combined with all the other relationship problems he says we have
It felt like he was breaking up with me. Like...those would be the next words out of his mouth.

They weren't.

My boyfriend is unhappy.
That matters more than my own unhappiness.
He's everything to me. He's everything good in my life.

Societal expectations of beauty are BullShit.

Apparently the perfect BMI is 20.85

I feel like I may have blogged this before. At the time I learned this, I was significantly heavier than I am now, and I was stunned. Offended even, that this was considered worthy of the title "Okay girls, relax, 20.85 is now the perfect body!" Goddamnit, no! I had to work for that bmi, and after that I'm down to a bmi of 20 that number still strikes me as bullshit. 20.85? I'm know my boyfriend is attracted to women thinner than I am. I have no doubt. He's not atypical either. Maybe other men are better at hiding it, but girls, we know who we see men looking at.

There's another standard out there that's quite popular. It's 36-24-36 measurements.
Those measurements don't go with that bmi.
Actually, Sir Mix-a-Lot Probably said it best. "36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3"

That's probably about how tall you'd have to be to have those measurements and that bmi.

Do any of us want..."back?"

No. No we do not.

I certainly wouldn't mind a 24 inch waist. Mine was 25.5 this morning, and my weight was 126 - which would be my thinnest, but I don't necessarily trust the scale.

The point I'm trying to get at is that it's unrealistic to set out standards on what society gives us to go by. That's what most people seem to think anorexics are going by. That society is giving us "unrealistic expectations" of beauty and that we're trying to live up to them, but in reality we're probably the only ones who aren't listening to those societal expectations.

Because they don't make sense.

So we do with our bodies what we think is beautiful, for whatever beautiful reasons they might be. Like a ... "fuck you" to those very same societal expectations. We're too smart to be convinced that what's normal is what's beautiful. We just sort of...opt out of playing the same failure game that everyone else plays.

It seems like the delusional game the rest of the world is playing [about getting a 24 inch waist the healthy way] is just as crazy as starving yourself. More so. Restricting will get you there. 1800+ calories a day won't. It might make you *muscular* if you're working out.

God, people are just so full of contradictions.

They say 'be healthy.'

If they say it to a fat person they're saying 'lose weight'

If they're saying it to a "healthy" person, they mean 'don't get thinner than me'

and if they're saying it to a thin person, they mean 'get fat so I can be thinner than you'

Fuck that nonsense.

I know what I want.

~

So that was the rant I had waiting in my reserves. What do you think?

I want to direct you guys to a great website I stumbled upon yesterday. PrettyThin
It's like a proana myspace and it has heaps of users. I can't believe I didn't know about it O_O

Today at the subway station I ran into my old friend. The friend I mentioned in This Post, actually. I was shocked, this is someone I haven't seen in aaaages. We only spoke for a moment. I wrote my number on communist literature and gave it to him, I hope he calls. I'd have gotten his, but he said they broke it in prison. So I hope wherever he's staying he's got a phone to use.

I know it might be hard to relate to, but I hugged him like four times. I'd been worried. I didn't say anything about my knowing what he was in prison for. I'm just glad he got out...and I hope I can talk to him about it if/when he ever calls. It was so weird seeing him. You know that weird feeling about seeing someone you went to school with, and it's like...whoa, you look different. At fourteen, he was shorter than me, now he's got like a foot on me o_0 But he still seemed sweet, harmless, huggable. He still called me his best friend.

God, I don't even know.

It was shocking! I'm glad he's not in prison for the next five years, though. I hope I can see him when I'm more composed and not totally..."Holy crap, it's you!"

Anyways, I'm feeling pretty optimistic today. I saw a job in the paper for a job at an on campus coffee chain...and even if I don't get that, the same chain is on the corner of the nearest major street so I could apply to 2 places extremely convenient to me. I plan on getting an application online tomorrow, I can turn it in twice.

The only problem is that it involves talking to people. It might be good for me. and maybe I'll develop a taste for coffee.

I've got virtually no appetite lately. It's probably a cycle thing, but I'm enjoying it. My waist was less than 26" this morning. That was nice.

I've been thinking lately about how I wanted a job at a retail store, and it occurs to me that there's a good chance I wouldn't get hired because of my bad skin. Which is sad. and I'd never be able to prove that's why they weren't hiring me. I suppose the same could be said of the coffee chain...but we'll see, won't we?


a random couple pieces of thinspo:


This was one of the first pieces of thinspo I saw that actually felt motivating. I have a similar picture of me, except I'm 150lbs. I want to take one when I get to 125...whenever the hell that's going to be. Then I can can compare.



I don't necessarily think she's perfect, but it's a really cute pic anyway, and she's a lot closer to perfect than I am.

Oooh, I should plug the site I got them from.

thinspo.us

Join! Upload your collections! It's goooood!

and I've got some good thoughts going for my next blog.. so when I've got them together I'll post them. Maybe even tomorrow. It might end up being a rant about the societal expectations of body image. Sounds like shit you've heard before, but I'm going somewhere with this. lol

a couple thinspo videos

Trying to catch up on some blogs

I'm not going to say much...I'm under stress. I need a job. I don't have much else to add to that.

So have some thinspo.


I found this video on youtube, it's really beautiful and perfectly well done.


And this one is pretty inspirational too . :] More uplifting.

Links to my better posts

Since I have over fifty posts I realize that many of my newer readers aren't going to go through my old blogs reading all the fluff, so I decided to make a list of links to some of my more useful blogs. Maybe I'll do a thinspo list another time, looking through my old posts I noticed I have a lot of those too.

Anyways, usually I make my links to open in a new tab, but this time I'm going to make the default link open in the same window and put an 'X' next to it that will open in a new window. I figure some people might prefer to just back track, at least when it's a list like this.

From newest to oldest:
Body Frame Size [X]

Inner thigh, outer thigh, butt workouts [X]

YouTube exercise videos [X]

Metamucil [X]

Tips [X]

Pro-Ana[X]
^ Not necessarily "useful" but I like this one.

Calories Per Minute chart[X]

I don't post useful blogs enough. I hate getting all vulnerable... I write a lot of emotional blogs and people seem to take well to them, but I think in general the ones that have info like that are more appreciable. Helping others is really what keeps me in line. I learn so much, too.

I feel like I've learned so much about dieting since I've been blogging. If the topic comes up around my boyfriend's friends (they're all fat, remember?) I feel so tempted to bring up all the tips I have in my repertoire, but I'm afraid it would make me look sick. I mean, I can't act normal around them anyway, and I'm half their size - even if I'm still just an average weight. In any case, I feel like that shouldn't be the subject I open up about so eagerly.

Anyways, later my friends.

Classic Musical Numbers

I caught something on TV about Judy Garland, and it stuck in my head. So I've been obsessed with her all day. And from Judy Garland I got to Liza, her daughter, a few other ridiculously iconic artists.

I'm sharing them...I think they do inspire beauty, so it's not totally out of place.





That reminds me of The Nanny... Fran is obsessed with Barbara.
"Miss Fein, if Barbara Streisand and your mother were both drowning in a pond, who would you save?"
"My mother. Barbara can walk on water."















The aspect ratio is slightly off [she's a little stretched]


They say back in the day that curves were the thing...but the old movie artists, they really had a lot of pressure to be thin.

So what if Marilyn Monroe had a bmi of 20? :\ That's not big. That's on the lower end of the healthy range. And she was probably the biggest of the lot.